My Roommate’s Girlfriend Makes Me Want To Blow My Brains Out | I Hate My Roommate

My Roommate’s Girlfriend Makes Me Want To Blow My Brains Out | I Hate My Roommate

Hey [Roommate's Girlfriend],

You are really, really, really annoying. I told your boyfriend I thought you were annoying before you two actually started going out so that maybe he could take a hint and dodge a bullet -- it's unfortunate his desperate ass stumbled upon yours. If I had to think of one person to describe the word 'obnoxious', it would be you; and if I had to think of one word to describe you, not even 'obnoxious' wouldn't even cut it.

Only someone as needy as you could steal my friend from me so you could turn him into a life-size Ken doll, but a lot gayer looking. The only reason he got with you at the time was because that was the only way he was gonna get some and the only reason he stays with you now is because you'll probably do anything he wants behind those doors. How do I know? Oh for God's sake -- I really don't want to know but let's just say that the music isn't loud enough the times that you do play music.

But that's just personal stuff like me putting up with your nonstop cackling travelling through the walls during the weekly "running-tickle-fight-with-my-boyfriend" game when I'm trying to study on the rare days I am not at the library because you are here. Which is always.

I love how you always go downstairs to use the "clean" bathroom as if your boyfriend's roommates (e.g. me) are too messy. Has it occurred to you that the sinks look the way it does because you shed like a dog and clogged both of them? I'm not sure if you've realized this after having to live with you for nearly a year since you've been with my roommate (who I could once call even a close friend) but I do my dishes immediately, if not within 24 hours. This is because 1) I don't want to put my dishes on top of yours which have been there for a week and 2) I use my own dishes because I don't trust your soapless dishwasher rinsing cycle and if I leave them there you might put them in your batch of dishes and they'll end up in the other cupboards where you guys will use them and not wash them and I will be left with no dishes when I need them. Which, by the way, has happened many times.

So it was very upsetting/surprising this morning when I found a couple of my dishes were used last night and sitting in our nasty bacteria-ridden sink. What was not surprising but also very upsetting was that I woke up to our bathroom sink with some vomit-like residues and a sponge next to it-- which I presume to mean a half-ass attempt at cleaning your own puke after getting wasted last night, which leads right into the event that prompted me to write this in the first place:

You put your head on my pillow. My fresh, just washed, immaculate pillow case, for which I made an extra trip into the cold night to the laundry room to throw into the washer. I was looking forward to last night being able to sleep in my cozy bed without the stress of midterms having taken my last two earlier in the day, but I had to wait for my laundry, setting me back a couple hours on my sleep which I needed after an all-nighter and a drive home to see my family in the morning. As if you didn't ruin my mood already when I saw your car in the parking lot, you decide it's cool to just burst into my room without knocking and ask if I want to go the hot tub with you guys at 3 am. While you slur away after lifting your head from my pillow, I snatched my pillow and you seemed to take the hint that it's rude to use other people's pillows without asking. "I'll do all your laundry for you tomorrow morning," you unapologetically mention. I was speechless. I just did all my laundry.
I even made an extra trip for that pillow case. Oh, but wait, you're trying to slur out another sentence...what's that? "I have to be honest, I haven't washed my hair in two days -- I heard it makes your hair nicer in a magazine."

I should have called the police on your ass for animal cruelty or something when you starved a goldfish in our apartment the second time. (You know, the one that is still dead in the bowl since we all left for winter break?) But it probably will be a matter of time till you probably drive drunk or do another ridiculously stupid selfish thing to get in trouble for.

What's terrible is that as stupid and obnoxious as your sober, you find being drunk an excuse to be even more mindnumbingly retarded. No, contrary to your delusions (like getting into med school -- we're like 90% sure you're not actually taking classes anymore here, even the communication ones you say you're taking for some reason), you are not funny drunk nor sober. This is something you should have realized when you started telling jokes word-for-word from dance movies.

I can't stand you at all, and look forward to not living with you and your boyfriend next year. I hope he finally breaks up with you so I can fix him after you made my friend your bitch. I'm sure you'll cry to a couple "friends" and then find a new guy to latch onto for a few years all over again. I will feel sorry for that person, but then again, I feel very sorry for myself for having to live with you guys this year.

Please, please, please break-up,
Your Boyfriend's Roommate From Across The Hall