6 Crackpot Conspiracy Theories (That Actually Happened)

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6 Crackpot Conspiracy Theories (That Actually Happened)
By:Eric Yosomono January 11, 2011 1,567,577 views
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We really do try very hard here at Cracked to maintain a no-bullshit policy. We're not the goddamned New York Times, but we do try to make sure we don't repeat a claim unless we can link to a smarter group of people who confirm it. We kind of think everyone who touches a keyboard should do that.
But in the course of looking down our noses at the nutjobs who spread urban legends and conspiracy theories, we have to sometimes stop and point out that there are downright terrifying historical precedents for even their craziest of claims.
#6. The Government Is Transmitting Thoughts Into Our Brains!

This is the stereotypical "tin foil hat" conspiracy theory that the government has the ability to beam thoughts into or out of your skull using its Illuminati mind-ray technology. This is a favorite of crazy people because, well, they're crazy, and hearing strange voices in your head is as common a symptom of craziness as you'll find. Assassins Mark Chapman and Sirhan Sirhan both claimed to hear voices in their heads telling them to murder their targets.

You can use the same excuse to get away with stealing lunches from your co-workers.
But they're not the only ones who have ever claimed to hear voices broadcast directly into their heads. All over the country, people who aren't murdering beloved public figures have also asserted that the United States government is trying to control their minds by transmitting thoughts directly into their brains. Which is why some of them elect to don the aforementioned tinfoil headgear -- to keep the voices out. This is why the tinfoil hat has become the emblem of all things conspiracy-related, mocked in movies and elsewhere.

ProTip: Make sure you remove the leftovers from the tin foil before putting it on your head.
Why It's Not So Crazy
They can totally beam voices into your head.
In 2006, a guy whom multiple counselors labeled as a "paranoid schizophrenic" filed a Freedom of Information Act petition requesting all declassified government documents pertaining to covert attempts at microwave auditory effect, telepathy and hypnosis. While no one was surprised that a guy who once complained that the backs of his shoes were vaporized by an electromagnetic weapon would go through the effort of filing the request, a lot of people shit a brick when they saw the papers that came back.
Page after page of verified government documents confirmed that taxpayer dollars had funded research on everything from a telepathic ray gun to fever lasers that made victims disoriented and less aggressive. And, yes, one of the released tests even broadcast a person's voice telepathically by "using close-range microwaves ... to project the spoken numbers 1 to 10 across a lab to volunteers."
Inside their heads.

If you think that's fucked up, just imagine the shit they shredded.
So, not only is this technology possible, the government has toyed with using it. And considering the United States government's track record with mind control, well ...
#5. The Census Is a Tool for Government Oppression!

Most of us didn't give a second thought to filling out our census forms last year. But among the loonier elements of American society, speculation abounded about what exactly the government was going to do with all that data it collected, other than, you know, allocate congressional seats. One conservative website speculated that GPS coordinates of households collected by census workers would possibly prepare UN soldiers for a U.S. invasion. Congresswoman Michele Bachmann even stated that she and her family would refuse to answer any census questions beyond how many people were in her household, because "the Constitution doesn't require any information beyond that."

Look for our new sister site, "Stupid Shit Michele Bachmann Says", to launch in February. We won't even need to hire writers.
Thanks to the fact that, yes it does, Bachmann took a lot of heat for her paranoid rhetoric. Especially when the actual results of the census led to speculation that her own state might lose a congressional district.
So, we could all sit back and laugh at the paranoid types who thought the government was going to use the census to round us up and put us into camps.
Why It's Not So Crazy
The U.S. government totally once used census data to round people up and put them in camps.

Looking pretty good compared to Hitler: not a high bar, but it's one we can reach.
After years of hearing nothing but denial, in 2007 the world found out that the U.S. Census Bureau actually did assist the Secret Service in rounding up Japanese-Americans for internment. And it was given the authority to do so by an executive emergency law enacted by then-president Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Prior to the Second War Powers Act of 1942, information collected by census takers was confidential and protected. But once Pearl Harbor was bombed and the U.S. got its frenetic anti-Asian ball rolling, all bets were off for any American whose eyes weren't shaped "white." So when the Secret Service came knocking on the Census Bureau's door for the names and addresses of Japanese-Americans, even the ones who were citizens, the data collectors were willing to oblige. The law that gave the government that authority wasn't repealed until after the war ended.

Tags are way less awful than tattoos!
And that wasn't the last time racial data were handed over in a politically charged atmosphere. In 2004, the Census Bureau took a beating for giving the Department of Homeland Security information about Arab Americans, including ZIP codes with dense Arab populations. Some speculated that the data even led to the deportation of people who wouldn't have otherwise been targeted.
So, yeah, they'd never use that information against you. As long as you're white.

Three cheers for the genetic lottery!
#4. The Government Controls the Media!

The logic behind this gem goes a little something like this:
The mainstream media never report on government conspiracies.
Therefore ...
The mainstream media are in on government conspiracies. ERGO
The government controls the media.
The believers of this idea don't just take for granted the so-called liberal bias demonstrated by media outlets across the board. What these guys allege is much more sinister: that the federal government is in charge of media outlets across the board. Not just moderating or regulating, but controlling what we see, hear and read. One conspiracy site speculates that the government exercises its control not just through content but through the information released through government spokesmen, through subsidies, press passes and embedded reporters in wartime. In other words, everything that government officials touch with regards to the media is just another way for them to control it.
The plot of the Robert DeNiro movie Wag the Dog involved a president actually fabricating an entire war, with the news media obediently publishing story after story at the government's behest. Ridiculous, right?

Between the poster, the title and Dustin Hoffman, we were 90% sure this film was about masturbation.
Why It's Not So Crazy
Beginning in 1948, a man named Frank Wisner ran a branch of the CIA called the Office of Policy Coordination and was given all sorts of secret authority to pretty much do any awful thing he felt like if it advanced his version of American ideology. Under that sleazy umbrella, Wisner began Operation Mockingbird, which was his effort to infiltrate every major media outlet with journalists and editors who were in his pocket.
By the mid-50s, the CIA had over 400 journalists working with them across the country. And these guys weren't just cub reporters, either. They included top level employees from all three major networks as well as The New York Times, Time Inc. and Associated Press, all not only capable of planting pro-government stories in their respective media but also able to suppress anything that wasn't government-friendly. And the whole shebang was so easy to accomplish because, as one operative noted, "You could get a journalist cheaper than a good call girl, for a couple hundred dollars a month."

Journalists give better head, too.
The good news is that Operation Mockingbird was exposed and disbanded by the mid-70s. The bad news is that even in the past decade, the government has had its sticky fingers all over wartime reporting and is still using psychological warfare to get the entire world on our side. It's working like a dream, guys!





Posted on 03/28/2011 07:52 PM
It is standard information to have general profile information from the census. It is how they determine "Environmental Justice" to avoid disproportionately affecting minorities. So you can see in a block group that there is X% of each of these minorities...
So the information about Arab populations as a general density statistic is public information. I have that data also. it doesn't have specific data, since they are generalized to block groups and zip codes.
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lokaps Posted on 03/28/2011 06:13 PM
Man, sometimes I wanna just live in a tribe or something like we did way back. Thinking about the government (or a lot of stuff in society) makes me a sad panda.
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only-me Posted on 03/20/2011 08:58 AM
In respect of the census, Hitler's cohorts used the Netherlands census returns because they listed religion so Jews were automatically identified.
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4Scorp4 Posted on 03/20/2011 03:54 AM
What a worthless life.
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AmyLeighAlvey Posted on 03/01/2011 01:50 PM
You people are angry.. Why cant you just read the articles for the sheer comedy? Seems like all your doing is name-calling and making yourself look like an ass
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AmusingAlias Posted on 03/20/2011 05:31 PM
HEY!
What do you mean by "you people?"
Rochelle59483 Posted on 03/01/2011 01:25 PM
About the control of media during wartime.
There is actually a man in my english class who had come back from the war, and he told us about how when the media would interview some of the soldiers, they would prepare them on what to say before the cameras started filming them. Basically the men and women you see on TV saying how they don't mind fighting for their country and everything are told to say that. They may look all proud and smiling on the outside while the camera is rolling, but on the inside they're tired, miss their families and just want to be back home with them...but you never hear them say some that stuff know do u?
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MCvJJ Posted on 03/20/2011 01:27 AM
Don't sound so indignant about it, it won't win you any support..

And before you say something, my dad's been on multiple deployments in Afghanistan and Iraq.. As well as my sister's husband.
4Scorp4 Posted on 03/20/2011 03:52 AM
That makes perfect sense.
unmeaty Posted on 03/01/2011 12:34 PM
At what point do we just change the definition of 'irony' from its actual, literary definition to the way it's used ALL OF THE TIME EVERYWHERE??? +1 Pop culture
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KGan Posted on 03/29/2011 12:39 AM
At what point will people stop b***hing about it? +1 pop culture that thinks it isn't.
ChrisChirigos Posted on 03/01/2011 06:27 AM
I'm sorry but since when has a conspiracy theory website been an exceptable source? Especially when you're trying to prove those theories aren't so crazy.
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24680 Posted on 03/01/2011 04:23 PM
I guess i never realized that the new york times website was a conspiracy theory website...
Malfunkshin Posted on 03/19/2011 05:57 PM
Since when has 'exceptable' been an acceptable way to spell 'acceptable?' lol
Barfly-Kokhba Posted on 02/08/2011 12:31 PM
I swear Cracked would seriously be the greatest website ever if not for the baffling, random-yet-persistent injection of liberal Democrat partisan bulls**t into the articles.

Hey a*****e, the US Constitution does NOT require anything more than a headcount. It calls for Congress to draft a law enacting the method of achieving that headcount, from which our actual census laws (which are not in the Consitution) derive, but the sole purpose that is directly mentioned by the Constitution's text is for "the enumeration of the people," nothing more. The Consitution itself says nothing about collecting income information, job and school info, etc.

"Bachmann took a lot of heat for her paranoid rhetoric"? From who?? Does the Democratic party actually pay you to slip this surreptitious propaganda to the unsuspecting pubescents who read these articles and will no doubt swallow your idiocy without question ("Oh look! There's a hyperlink, so what he's saying must be true!") Never mind that your hyperlinked material corraborates exactly zero of what you wrote. Read Article I, Section 2, of the US Constitution, jerk-off.

Jesus.
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Zachcorp Posted on 02/09/2011 07:37 AM
Stay back children. This one's angry
Spyral Posted on 02/18/2011 02:53 PM
Enumeration does not *only* mean "To Count". It can also mean "to catalog or to list" which would imply some kind of sorting criteria. Like, oh, I don't know, race or employment status or income, etc. (Which that last, btw is also mandated by the Constitution requiring filing of income taxes).
MatthewBindner Posted on 02/07/2011 12:00 PM
Consider the Hutaree. How objective was anyone in that regard? The government NEEDS people to believe in domestic terrorist boogeymen. Fearful and divided is easier to control. There's the official claim that a phone conversation was recorded in evidence of their plans to assault a police funeral...but has that damning recording actually been RELEASED to the public? Who has actually HEARD the recording? Or do we merely believe when we're told that something exists?
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Geekoid Posted on 03/01/2011 04:35 PM
No, it doesn't. In fact, it fairs better when their isn't one. And there are threats to the country, even ones from inside the country.
No, I ma not going to consider one case where you have no evidence. It's pointless. Yes, sometimes some people will abuse their authority. I'm not saying otherwise, but calling domestic terrorist a 'bogeyman' is deluded.
WordMaster Posted on 02/07/2011 08:16 AM
"YOU'LL NEVER GET MY SECRET NARUTO FAN FICTION, G-MEN!"
I couldn't stop laughing at that part.
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TaylorDuvall Posted on 02/06/2011 02:10 PM
Interestingly enough Wisner's son, Frank G. Wisner, is the American diplomat currently in Egypt
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JesseJamesDean Posted on 03/20/2011 03:23 AM
interesting, indeed
nee Posted on 02/04/2011 09:24 AM
so, one minute the cracked writers are bashing truthers, the next, they're on "our" side. what was it you dicks said about jim carrey and jenny mccarthy regarding vaccines? remember folks SV40 the simian cancer virus, was introduced into the human population on purpose thru the polio vaccine.
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Tobbs144 Posted on 02/04/2011 11:39 AM
The writers aren't all on one page, they all have their own opinions on matters. I personally like the diversity.
Tobbs144 Posted on 02/04/2011 11:39 AM
The writers aren't all on one page, they all have their own opinions on matters. I personally like the diversity.
gabaca666 Posted on 02/03/2011 08:23 AM
"So, yeah, they'd never use that information against you. As long as you're white."

Really? How about:

"So, yeah, they'd never use that information against you. As long as you don't have background in or ties to regions from which a couple tons of flaming death have just been dropped on us."

So does this guy have some bizarre case of self-loathing or is he just a standard racist? Sounds like the latter.
Really admirable.
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CAD1 Posted on 02/03/2011 12:17 PM
Right, I totally agree with you. They totally should have deported all irish-americans after the Oklahoma bombing.
MichaelKuznar Posted on 02/03/2011 03:02 PM
Interesting
CorruptUser Posted on 02/02/2011 10:12 PM
About #3, why would the government want to radicalize the civil rights movements? How exactly would the government benefit from having terrorist Black Panthers as opposed to benign Black Panthers?
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jmyoung Posted on 02/03/2011 06:25 AM
It's similar to what the protestors in Egypt are worried about now. Government agents instigated violence in the group, justifying a law enforcement crackdown. Pretty much all any and all anti-war groups during the Vietnam era were infiltrated as well. Often the infiltrators would have standing orders to try to provoke such groups to violent behavior so their efforts could be discredited and the riot squad could bash heads.
falconfox Posted on 02/03/2011 10:13 AM
A better question would be whether the author seriously believes that the only reason the Black Panther Party did anything violent was because the government made them. Next we will be told that Bill Ayers worked for COINTELPRO when he advocated violence with the Weather Underground.
Hestheone Posted on 02/02/2011 05:18 PM
"#6.The Government Is Transmitting Thoughts Into Our Brains!"
What's the frequency, Kenneth?
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Bunnilicious Posted on 01/30/2011 09:11 PM
Oh God, I think my paranoia is going way up! >.O
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Anne_Ominous Posted on 01/29/2011 02:33 PM
The idea that the government can ask or do whatever it wants in the name of the census is just plain false.

The government is charged with ENUMERATING the people of the United States, and it is allowed to take that census "in whatever manner it sees fit"... but it is only the WAY of taking census (enumerating the people) that they are allowed to alter... not WHAT they are doing. That is to say, no matter how they go about it, they are empowered ONLY to count the people, they do not have the authority to ask a bunch of intrusive survey questions as well. A citizen is perfectly within his/her right to refuse to answer those.

If I set out some whiskey, vodka, rum, tequila, and a bunch of mixers, and tell you "drink this stuff any way you like", then I have given you permission to make a drink "in whatever manner you see fit" with those ingredients. You can make a rum & coke, or a vodka & 7, and so on. But it does not give you the right to get into my liquor cabinet and steal my good Cognac.

In exactly the same sense: the government can COUNT the people any way it wants... but that does NOT give them the right to ask about my current job, or my income, or any of those other intrusive questions that were on the last Census forms.
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Marco_Lorenzo Posted on 02/01/2011 06:01 AM
Hey Anne, i don't quite understand what you mean. Can you give an example of a way for the government to count the people? Coz i can't really think of a way for the government to collect the census without asking personal questions...unless all they want to know is the population.
maybee_em Posted on 02/04/2011 05:02 PM
I think Anne is saying that all the government is supposed to be asking about is population, and they can do that and only that in whichever way they want.
patrickg21 Posted on 01/27/2011 01:00 PM
Concerning control of the media during wartime:

I have a close friend who just came back from the War in Iraq. He told me that he found out from a number of superiors that the information coming out of Iraq and into American's minds, is drastically lightened. Such numbers include the amount of suicides by American soldiers, the number of civilian deaths, and the shockingly enormous abuse of power displayed in all tiers of the military. Just imagine other aspects of our society that are being massively downplayed...
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DirtySmile Posted on 01/28/2011 06:02 AM
wow patrick...let's wiki survives
CharlesMeserve Posted on 03/28/2011 09:57 PM
My friend who served in Afghanistan said just the opposite...
TheRunningMan Posted on 01/27/2011 12:53 PM
I guess that explains why I was quarantined after remarking on my severe case of yellow fever